Self-Esteem

I've just found the most practical definition of "self-esteem". It includes the most important elements. I found this on BBC Health.

High self-esteem means that we appreciate ourselves and our personal worth. This means that:

1. We have a positive attitude
2. We value ourselves highly
3. We're convinced of our own abilities
4. We see ourselves as competent, in control of our own lives and able to do what we want.

When these are lacking, low self-esteem usually results.  Low self-esteem can mean helplessness, powerlessness and even depression.

At the moment, I'm losing in my internal war. On the one hand, I have this powerful, ambitious, & determined character that wants to explore the world, be adventurous & experience life without limits. But on the other, I have been living in a cocoon because of certain major changes that occurred in my life which I obviously didn't handle very well. There is a thus conflict between the two: the one just wants to move on & start to realise its potential, whilst the other wants to fester in its own horrible potion of anger, self-rejection, & negativity. As a result, a deep gaping hole has resulted inside me - a void, if you must - and this void represents itself as my self-esteem (or lack thereof).

For the past 8 months, I've been trying to deal with this mess in therapy sessions. It doesn't bode well for a lawyer to have no self-confidence. But as of 20 minutes ago, I realised I actually need anger management. It would appear that my sadness has now manifested itself into anger as a means of self-protection. But this anger has formed a blanket over all my actions - I believe it is very close to taking control over all my functioning. My anger now no longer distinguishes the form of conflict (e.g. lashing out from constructive criticism) nor the type of conflict (e.g. losing or performing badly in a game).

The scariest part of all of this (& the fact that made me go from reactive to proactive) is that it has been having serious negative effects on my cat. It would seem that he has been absorbing so much of my anger for the past 2 years! My little angel has now become Hell's servant!! This was my wake-up call...

And now.. I'm about to embark on a whole new journey this week. How exciting!