The Crystal Window

On the edge of a cliff,

I stood there, pondering and daydreaming,

Of alternate realities:

The one that is and the one that could be..

Or should be...

Limits of love are personified,

Yet true love is unconditional & unselfish,

The knife that is reality,

The cloud that is desire,

The tear that is my heart.

My heart fell deep into my stomach,

As it fell, it screamed

When it landed, it shattered into fragments,

Scattered everywhere, no assembly:

Just a pile of rejected parts.

In the fragile state that I was,

Answers were few and far between,

Questions were obstacles,

Thoughts were barriers

Feelings were ammunition

Tears were inevitable.

My tears cut paths down my cheeks,

Paths that led nowhere,

Not even a safe Haven,

The endless journey of Pain.

My shattered heart,

Lay there, fragmented, unidentifiable,

Misshapen, abused, soiled, and forgotten.

The knives of feelings prodded the pieces,

Poked until each piece bled profusely.

On the edge,

I surveyed the World.

Nothing is real.

Nothing is permanent.

Nothing is simple.

Except Pain.

Love without Pain is a fantasy.

It smells of joy but reeks of deception,

Each petal of love is coated with poison.

There is no time to think in Love,

No time to process or absorb,

There is only time to react,

To witness the turmoil of change

As it torturously twists everything,

Body, mind, soul…

What is real…

Real is the Pain of feeling Loved

When I know I am unworthy of it.

Real is the Guilt of being Praised

When I know I am unworthy of it.

Real is the Agony of making decisions

When I know I must hurt someone.

Real is the Throb of energy I feel

When I think of my taboo desires.

Something else became Real,

Became present and powerful,

Something pulling on my strings,

Reinforcing the tortured shards of my heart,

And bringing it back together.

Something pure.

And Real.

The butterflies reassemble my heart,

Leaving gold strings of loyalty and beauty,

A sweet sauce of passion smothers the surface,

Yet, the arrow of guilt pierces it straight through.

It hangs in the midst of sorrow and despair,

Even though it radiates nothing but pure happiness.

This newfound presence of Hope and Joy,

The song of the rapidly beating heart,

Fills my senses until I feel lighter than air.

He does this to me without even trying,

But he does not know.

He cannot know the truth,

For he will collapse from fear.

His presence creates greener pastures,

His name is my silver lining.

Have I loved before if this is love?

The silky feeling of shivers down my body

Erupts an explosion of happiness,

Does he know? How could he know?

That when he smiles, my cheeks hurt,

That when he cries, the rivers run wild,

That when he is in pain, my body aches,

That when he is happy, I walk on the clouds,

That when he laughs, my stomach knots

That when he is playful, my face lights up…

And when he says he loves me, I lose myself

In his presence

In his beauty

In his personalty

In his grace

In his love

In his trust

In his faith

In his humour…

So much love that I question myself...

Have I ever really loved before him?

On the edge of a cliff,

I stood there, smiling and dreaming,

Of this newfound pleasure:

The one that is and the one that could be..

And should be…

Mine.

Aleisha Oliver

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